January 2011
Tough Week.
Still sick, and my grades are going down. Fuck it! At least it ended well. I got in contact with a custom knife-maker, and finally designed my knife, it looks fucking amazing. He should have it done and shipped over here just in time for my birthday, definitely going to be on my best presents ever.
Real Friends
Sometimes, you don’t realize that you have them.
Sometimes, you realize that you don’t have them.
I don't do drugs.
Drugs and I don’t mix very well. I’ve tried a few types, but the end result is all the same; they bring out the things I repress. I get horribly anxious on any drug, this includes alcohol. Unless I do enough to black-out, I don’t enjoy myself. But I can’t seem to force myself to do that. I end up right before the absolute feel good part, the part where all your worries seem to simmer to the surface. This is part of how I experience my whole life. I hate being like this, I can’t immerse myself in anything: schoolwork, relationahips, sports ect. The part of my character that keeps me from being addicted to drugs, prevents me from getting the most out of my life. Ohh, the bitter irony of life.
Tattoos
I’ve lately been dwelling on the tattoos I would like after I finish boot camp. This is my list, and my reasons:
Orthodox Cross: dominant faith in Russia, played a large part in my upbringing and how I feel church should be like.
A combined symbol of the the Christian Cross, the Crescent moon and the Buddhist symbol, not the swastika, I feel that would be misinterpreted to readily: these symbolize the power of religion over the world, they are the 3 most dominant. I’m still iffy about this one.
A combat medic symbol, Wings sprouting from the hilt of a sword, while blade is wrapped by two snakes: My future job in the military, which will influence me a tremendous amount.
A wolf, either a Celtic or tribal tattoo, full figure, howling: My spirit animal, easy to read, likes cold, adapts easy, ect.
This is all for now, but may change later on.
How come?
I don’t want a relationship right now. I really don’t, too much shit happened with the girlfriends I’ve had this year. But all of a sudden, so many of my ex’s are telling me that they still have feelings for me. Like fucking seriously?! Move the fuck on. I have. I did that a long fucking time ago.
The worst part is…
6967.) I fucked up so much this past year, I really destroyed myself. I don't feel anymore, it's like all the passion that once filled my life is gone. I have no real friends because I refuse to fully trust any of them. I just want to go away from here, go somewhere where I can trust and love and feel and find myself.
all who love have lied: Sea of Faith →
Once when I was teaching “Dover Beach”
to a class of freshmen, a young woman
raised her hand and said, “I’m confused
about this ‘Sea of Faith.’ “ “Well,” I said,
“let’s talk about it. We probably need
to talk a bit about figurative language.
What confuses you about it?”
“I mean, is it a real sea?” she asked.
“You mean, is it a real body of water
that you could point to on a map
or visit on a vacation?”
“Yes,” she said. “Is it a real sea?”
Oh Christ, I thought, is this where we are?
Next year I’ll be teaching them the alphabet
and how to sound words out.
I’ll have to teach them geography, apparently,
before we can move on to poetry.
I’ll have to teach them history, too-
a few weeks on the Dark Ages might be instructive.
“Yes,” I wanted to say, “it is.
It is a real sea. In fact it flows
right into the Sea of Ignorance
IN WHICH YOU ARE DROWNING.
Let me throw you a Rope of Salvation
before the Sharks of Desire gobble you up.
Let me hoist you back up onto this Ship of Fools
so that we might continue our search
for the Fountain of Youth. Here, take a drink
of this. It’s fresh from the River of Forgetfulness.”
But of course I didn’t say any of that.
I tried to explain in such a way
as to protect her from humiliation,
tried to explain that poets
often speak of things that don’t exist.
It was only much later that I wished
I could have answered differently,
only after I’d betrayed myself
and been betrayed that I wished
it was true, wished there really was a Sea of Faith
that you could wade out into,
dive under its blue and magic waters,
hold your breath, swim like a fish
down to the bottom, and then emerge again
able to believe in everything, faithful
and unafraid to ask even the simplest of questions,
happy to have them simply answered.— John Brehm
The list of people I respect is getting smaller every single day.
“ “Imagine being born into a dream: a mass illusion transformed over thousands of years by billions of people into what today you call reality. The billions of people subdivided into territories they called countries, into belief systems they called religions and into groups they called races.
Countries subdivided into states, provinces and cities, which then subdivided into neighborhoods that subdivided into buildings or single-family homes. Religions divided into conservative and liberal sects, which then grew into more conservative and liberal branches. Races divided themselves by all of the above, including color, tone, ethnic makeup, and financial status.
Each group then teaches and defends that its way is the way and its truth is the truth, and each group creates its own reality out of what it believes. Each group then tries to sell you on its current forms and laws, telling you that this is what is “right.” Each teaches you that the closer you are to following its form, the happier, more successful and peaceful you will be. And somewhere deep within, you know that it is your right to be happy and to be at peace. So you buy into it, and regardless of how little sense the illusion makes, you keep participating for if you stop you will be judged as an outcast, a trouble-maker, a bum.
You are taught that if you stop participating in the group’s way of life, your hopes for happiness, success and peace will also end. The group tells you that if you go against the norm, you will not find happiness, peace or success. So you buy into the illusion the group offers, believing that there is no other way. You carefully weave and contour the illusion into one you can live with for now. But my friend, regardless of how you choose to weave, contour and experience the illusion, it is still an illusion.” ” —James Blanchard Cisneros (via likethesun)
Countries subdivided into states, provinces and cities, which then subdivided into neighborhoods that subdivided into buildings or single-family homes. Religions divided into conservative and liberal sects, which then grew into more conservative and liberal branches. Races divided themselves by all of the above, including color, tone, ethnic makeup, and financial status.
Each group then teaches and defends that its way is the way and its truth is the truth, and each group creates its own reality out of what it believes. Each group then tries to sell you on its current forms and laws, telling you that this is what is “right.” Each teaches you that the closer you are to following its form, the happier, more successful and peaceful you will be. And somewhere deep within, you know that it is your right to be happy and to be at peace. So you buy into it, and regardless of how little sense the illusion makes, you keep participating for if you stop you will be judged as an outcast, a trouble-maker, a bum.
You are taught that if you stop participating in the group’s way of life, your hopes for happiness, success and peace will also end. The group tells you that if you go against the norm, you will not find happiness, peace or success. So you buy into the illusion the group offers, believing that there is no other way. You carefully weave and contour the illusion into one you can live with for now. But my friend, regardless of how you choose to weave, contour and experience the illusion, it is still an illusion.” ” —James Blanchard Cisneros (via likethesun)
Thanks for following :)
No problem :P
